The Twelve Pains of Christmas
by BansheeFromHell
Summary: Because Christmas isn't all cookies and eggnog.
1. Finding a Christmas Tree

**Banshee: Hi everybody~! I was listening to the '12 Pains of Christmas' song recently, and it gave me an idea for a little string of Christmas one-shots. Here is the first one. I hope you like it.**

Disclaimer: I own nothing but by OC and the plot.

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Chapter One: Finding a Christmas Tree

* * *

_The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me_

_Is finding a Christmas tree…_

…

"Why are we doing this?" Roxas asked as he and Nikki trudged through the heavy snow. "Why can't we just go out and _buy_ a tree?"

They were out in the middle of nowhere, walking through some God-forsaken forest looking for a Christmas tree to put up in the castle. So far, they were having no such luck. The trees they came across were either too small, too big, had birds or squirrels living in them, or they were just plain ugly. It wasn't like they would be able to spot a good tree anyway. Visibility was shot because it was snowing so bad and the wind blowing the little ice crystals around didn't help either. The temperature must have been at least ten degrees or less, it was dark, and the snow was up to their knees.

It wasn't like they didn't try to buy a tree. They did. But it was so close to Christmas and all the good trees were taken or set aside for someone else.

"I told you Roxas, we can't buy one because all the good ones were already gone by the time we got there." Nikki reminded him, adjusting the ax she was holding so it was more comfortable on her shoulder. "We were _supposed_ to get a tree, but a certain _someone_ didn't go down to the tree farm and put one on reserve. So we're stuck looking for a wild one."

The 'certain _someone_' was Saïx. He was supposed to find the tree because he was the second-in-command; and he had an eye for detail and would be able to tell a good tree from a sub-par one. But he didn't, and claimed to have 'forgotten' about it in the midst of all the chaos surrounding all the Organization's Christmas preparations.

How 'convenient' that he happened to 'forget' a few days before Christmas Eve. It was also 'convenient' how it was snowing like hell on the day he had Roxas and Nikki go out and find a wild tree to cut down.

Truth is, the blue-haired berserker hadn't forgotten at all. He just liked making things more difficult for Nikki because he's an 'asshole,' as she put it.

"Oh! Nikki! There's one over there!" Roxas exclaimed, pointing to a moderately-sized tree in the distance.

They ran up to the tree, which was bigger in person, and Nikki inspected it. It's branches had fallen perfectly, flaring out to a near-perfect triangle shape. The bristles were a rich green color, and there seemed to be nothing living in it.

"How is it, Nikki?" Roxas asked.

"It's perfect!" She exclaimed. "This is the one!"

"Great." Roxas sighed in relief. He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself when he felt a strong wind. "Now p-please cut it d-d-down already so we can go back to the c-castle.. It's so c-c-cold out here…"

Nikki took the ax and positioned it at the trunk of the tree, then struck it as hard as she could. Some of the snow fell off the branches, and they heard a slight rustling. A pair of eyes appeared among the many bristles, followed by another, then another, and another, until the whole tree was full of little eyes staring at them from the branches.

"That's not good.."

They were suddenly running for their lives as a swarm of birds erupted from the tree and chased after them, pecking their heads and chirping angrily; a loud, shrill noise that could be compared to a banshee, or nails scraping across a chalkboard. When they got far enough away, the birds turned around and returned to their home.

Well, so much for the tree…

"Nikki?" Roxas asked, panting.

"Yeah, Roxas?" Said Nikki.

"Maybe we should just go to the store and buy a plastic tree…"

…

…

"Yeah.. That's a good idea…"

…

…


	2. Rigging Up the Lights

**Banshee: Hello~! Here's chapter two. I know this one is a little short, but some chapters in this little series may be longer - or shorter - than others.**

**Disclaimer: I only own my OC and the plot.**

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Chapter Two: Rigging Up the Lights

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_The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:_

_Angry husband: Rigging up the lights_

_And finding a Christmas tree…_

…

Christmas isn't Christmas without colorful lights to decorate your house.

But it's another thing entirely when you live in a giant castle. Only someone with special abilities could put the lights up without fear of falling.

Who would be capable of such a task?

Why, none other than…

"No way, Kid." A certain eye patch-wearing Nobody refused Nikki's request to put the lights up.

"But Xigbar…" Nikki pleaded.

"Don't you 'But Xigbar' me. Have you forgotten how big this castle is?" Xigbar emphasized this by pointing out the size of the room they were in. "Putting lights on it would be a pain in the ass."

"Come on! Who cares how big the castle is! With your abilities, it'll be easy!"

When the stubborn Nobody refused to budge, Nikki decided to persuade him by taking a jab at his male pride. "_Unless_ you don't think you can do it.."

She turned away from him so he wouldn't see the big smile on her face.

Xigbar's good eye twitched. She was baiting him. The little shit.. "… What do you mean?"

Biting back a snicker, Nikki continued, "It _is_ a big job, after all; much too big for one man to handle. Maybe I'll just have the Dusks do it. They would get the job done much faster than you, anyway."

"All right, fine!" Xigbar barked, having had enough of this. "I'll put the damn lights up!"

Nikki turned around and gave him the biggest smile she could muster before she said "Thank you, Uncle Xiggy~!" and skipped out of the room.

He slapped his palm to his forehead. "I can't believe I fell for that.."

…

Finally, after several hours, Xigbar was finishing up the lights. He just had to tack down one more row, then plug them all in. This would be one hell of a light show. Once the last row was secured, he went to the nearest outlet and plugged in the main cord for the lights. Section by section, the lights switched on, outlining the castle in a multicolored frame.

Xigbar laughed triumphantly, but it was short lived when he saw sparks erupting from one of the lights.

"Oh no…"

All of the lights proved to be too much for the outlet to handle. The bulb exploded, and, like a bunch of electric dominos, the lights all burned out. They didn't just burn out, either. They exploded in an array of pretty colors.

But that wasn't all. All of the lights in the castle went out as well.

He had blown a fuse.

Just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, Saïx appeared.

"The Superior wants to see you in his office." He said coolly before he warped away without another word.

…

…


	3. Hangovers

**Banshee: Welcome to the third installment of the 12 Pains of Christmas~! This one's longer than the other two, but I have mentioned that some chapters would be longer/shorter than others. This one's my favorite so far. I hope you enjoy it~!**

**WARNING: THERE IS USE OF THE F-BOMB IN THIS ONE. Though you probably don't care..**

**Disclaimer: I only own my OC and the plot.**

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Chapter Three: Hangovers

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_The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me_

_Man getting over being drunk: Hangovers_

_Rigging up the lights_

_And finding a Christmas tree_

…

…

"Please?"

"No."

"Come ooo~oon~…"

"No."

"Just one shot."

"No."

Zexion tried his best to ignore Axel and concentrate on his book as the redhead was waving a shot glass full of vodka in front of his face. In an attempt to be 'nice,' Xigbar had offered their little group some alcohol, and since then they had been drinking like fish. It was a surprise that they weren't passed out on the floor yet. Even _Roxas_ was drinking, and he was nowhere _near_ the legal limit! He had advised against letting the younger Nobody drink, but the others insisted that it would be all right since they were there watching him and they didn't want him to feel 'left out.'

Yeah… That worked out real well…

"Come oo~oon, Zexy~," Axel prodded, tapping him on the head with the shot glass. "You know you want to~…"

"Hey. I just… I just thought of something." Said a _very_ drunk Demyx. "You just called him 'Zexy.' That rhymes with 'sexy!' Sexy Zexy~! Sexy Zexy~! Ha~, ha~, ha~!"

"Wait, I got one better." Said Nikki, who was also drunk. "If you take Xemnas' name and switch the letters around, you get 'Mansex.'"

Demyx gasped. "No… way…"

"Way, dude…"

"That. Is. _Hilarious_."

Roxas tilted his head back to look at the sky, falling onto his back when he tilted back too far. But he didn't care. He was drunk too. "Wow~…" He put his hands up, reaching for the sky. "Look at the stars, everybody~! They're so pretty~!"

"Heh." Axel chuckled after he observed the younger Nobody's behavior. "Lightweight." He remarked, taking another shot.

"Is the moon really that big?" Nikki asked as she looked at the moon, squinting her eyes. "Look at that… It looks like a heart.."

Axel snickered. "I think it looks like a giant ass." He said.

"It kinda does…" The brunette agreed.

"Kingdom Ass… ha ha ha." Demyx chuckled drunkenly.

Axel, Nikki, and Roxas got the joke; though it took them a few minutes to get it (because they were all drunk to the point of stupidity), and joined the nocturne in laughter.

Zexion's eye twitched. "Okay. I think you guys have had enough." He said, utterly disgusted and disappointed in the actions of his fellow members.

"Had enough?" Axel slurred. "We haven't even emptied the bottle halfway!"

"My point exactly." The Cloaked Schemer said, snatching the vodka bottle away from the redhead, earning him a whiny "Hey~!" which he ignored. He took the bottle and threw it over the balcony, the others watching with horrified faces as the bottle disappeared from view. The sound of glass shattering against the pavement soon followed.

"You _bastard_!" Nikki exclaimed, hitting Zexion with weak punches. "Uncle Xiggy gave us that vodka!"

"How could you do that?! You're so mean, Zexy!" Demyx cried.

"Meanie-face!" Said Roxas, who was also crying.

"What a waste of perfectly good vodka…" Axel sulked.

"Oh brother…" Zexion sighed, rubbing his temples.

…

- The Next Morning -

…

11:00 AM.

Zexion made his way down the halls of the castle, down to the hall where the Organization's rooms were all lined up in order by number. In one hand was a glass of water, and in the other was a bottle of alka-seltzers. The four younger members had been a hassle last night, and he was so irritated with them that he didn't even bother putting them all in their respective rooms; he just dumped them in Nikki's room instead. It made things easier when he could scold all four of them at once when they woke up. That would save him a lot of time, trouble, and effort.

When he reached Nikki's bedroom door, he shifted the items in his hands so he had a free hand to knock on the door with. He knocked three times, and waited for an answer. There was none.

"As your superior, I demand you open this door." He ordered. When no one answered the door, his eye twitched. How dare they not answer him! How disrespectful!

He could have just barged into the room, but _no_, he _had_ to be considerate and knock on the door. He was going to be nice about it. Well not anymore. He was going to go in there and give those insubordinate little punks a talking to!

Not even bothering to knock again, he just opened the door and walked in, turning on the light on his way in, finger raised and ready to start scolding the daylights out of them.

What he saw caused him to be at a loss for words.

They were all on the bed, huddled up together like a litter of newborn puppies. Axel was sprawled out on the bed, with Nikki and Demyx on either side of him with their arms wrapped around his torso and both their heads on his chest. He had his arms around them as well. Roxas was on top of all three of them, laying horizontally across the bed with his feet hanging over one side and his head dangling over the other. They twitched and moved around every once in a while, but remained relatively still. All four of them were snoring.

"Good grief…" Zexion sighed. He walked over to the bed and reached over to Axel, knocking on his forehead with his fist. "Hey. Wake up."

"Ooowww~…" The redhead whined, shaking his head from side to side. "Stop iiiiitt~…"

The book-reading Nobody sighed again. "I see I'm going to have to do this the hard way…"

He took the glass of water in his hand and dumped it on Axel's head, making the redhead sputter as his eyes snapped open. Axel yelped, bolting upright in the bed. Roxas, who was sleeping on top of them, was sent tumbling over the foot of the bed, making a big "thump!" as he hit the floor.

"Dude, what the _fuck_?!" He yelled at the schemer, shaking his fist at him. "That water was fucking _cold_!"

"Would you _shut up_?" Nikki grumbled, Axel's yelling having woken her up. "My head hurts enough without you yelling.."

"Stop talking…" Demyx whined. "It's making my head hurt…"

"What the…? Why am I on the floor?" Said a confused-as-hell Roxas.

"You feel awful, don't you?" Zexion asked the group.

"I'm dying…" Nikki groaned.

"You're not dying." Zexion assured. "You just have a hangover. That's what happens when you down half a bottle of vodka."

"No way!" Nikki exclaimed. "Really?!"

"Oow~! Nikki, not so loud~!" Demyx complained, holding his throbbing skull.

"Sorry.."

"Half a bottle?" Axel mumbled, rubbing his head. "No wonder I feel like crap…"

"You deserve to feel like crap." Zexion stated matter-of-factly. "You acted like a bunch of - for lack of a better word - _jackasses_, and on top of partaking in underage drinking you allowed _Roxas_, our _youngest member_; a _fifteen-year-old_, to drink _vodka_. And to top it all off, you completely shirked your nightly chores. If Saïx ever found out about this, he'd go berserk.."

At the mention of the blue-haired berserker, all of their faces paled.

"Oh God, no…" Nikki said meekly.

"S-Saïx is coming?!" Roxas exclaimed fearfully. "Tell him I'm not here!" With that, he darted under the bed.

"Don't tell Saïx, Zexion!" Demyx begged, getting on his knees and tugging at Zexion's coat. "He'd _kill_ us if he found out!"

"I still got the scars from last time.." Axel muttered, rubbing his leg where Saïx had clawed him during a past altercation.

"I won't tell Saïx about this." The steel-haired Nobody assured, making the others sigh in relief. He then muttered to himself, "But I'll have to have a talk with Xigbar about giving alcohol to under-aged members.."

"I talked to Xemnas." He turned his attention back to them. "I didn't mention what you did last night, but he was still angry about all the chores not getting done. He's talking to Saïx right now and they're deciding on your punishment. Just remember to keep your mouths shut about the drinking when he gets here. We don't want another repeat of the 4th of July, now do we?"

When Nikki, Roxas, Demyx and Axel shook their heads frantically, he said, "Good. Now take these alka-seltzers and brush your teeth, and don't forget to use mouthwash. All of you reek of booze. It's disgusting."

"Sure thing, Mom." Axel said sarcastically, making Zexion glare at him before he left the room.

Not wanting Saïx to find out they were drinking last night and go berserk on them, they did as Zexion instructed and took the alka-seltzers to help cope with their hangovers, and brushed their teeth thoroughly to try to get the smell - and taste - of the vodka out of their mouths. For good measure, they took breath mints and chewed mint-flavored gum. They couldn't take any chances. Saïx had a pretty good nose; almost as good as Zexion's, and would smell the alcohol if they weren't thorough enough.

Then they waited for him to show up. After a few minutes, he finally did. His expression was unreadable, as always.

"I heard you neophytes didn't do your chores last night. The Superior is awfully angry." He said, with a hint of amusement. "He was seriously considering turning you all into Dusks. But he's decided to be lenient this time. You are all to clean the castle from top to bottom; no exceptions. And not only are you to do your own chores for the day, you have to do all of the other members' chores as well."

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!" Nikki yelled. "HE CONSIDERS _**THAT**_ LENIENT?!"

"But that'll take us all day!" Roxas complained.

"Then I suggest you get started." Saïx smirked in amusement, and was about to warp away when something stopped him. "Hmm…"

The group gulped heavily as Saïx walked up to them and started visually inspecting them. He looked at each of them, and they averted their gaze from him to avoid eye contact. When he stopped at Demyx, the others had a bad feeling that they were screwed. The nocturne could never lie to Saïx's face; not for long, anyway. He always cracked when the berserker gave him that threatening "you-better-talk-or-I'll-gut-you-like-a-fish" glare.

They saw him inhale and their faces lost some color when he asked - more like demanded, "Is there a reason why I smell alcohol on your breath?"

"… U-Umm…"

"Answer me, Number IX."

"Well, um… You see…" Demyx tried to come up with a lie, but just couldn't. The glare Saïx was giving him was so intimidating that all his brain functions were focused on self-preservation. After a few seconds, he cracked, and blurted out in one breath, "Xigbar gave us vodka last night, and we were drinking all night and that's why we missed our chores!"

Cue the group face palm.

"You forgot to use the mouthwash, didn't you?" Nikki asked, her tone suggesting that she had a feeling he did.

".. Yes…" He admitted.

Nikki sighed exasperatedly. "Way to go…"

"Now he knows. Thanks a lot, you _squealer_." Axel growled at him, making him let out a fearful squeak.

"Zexion told me you were at the islands all night." Saïx said.

Nikki laughed nervously. "Of course he said that." She said, and it was clear to the boys that she was making all this up as she went along. "That's what we told him when he confronted us about it… _right guys_?"

"Yeah! Right!" Roxas immediately agreed.

"Oh, absolutely." Said Axel.

"But I thought-" Demyx was cut off when Nikki stomped on his foot; very hard. "Ow! I-I mean, yeah! We totally lied to him."

"In that case, you don't have to worry about the Superior's punishment…"

They sighed in relief.

"… because what _I'm_ going to do to you is _infinitely_ worse!"

All relief was gone when Saïx summoned his claymore and entered his berserk state. They all knew how he got when he went into this mode (having had this side of him unleashed on them more than once), and whatever color was left in their faces drained away, making them white as sheets.

"Well.." Axel stated. "We're boned."

Demyx was on the verge of crying as he started grabbing at his mohawk. "Oh no… It's the 4th of July all over again!"

"You think the beating I gave you on the 4th of July was bad?!" The now berserk Saïx exclaimed angrily. "When I'm done with you lazy little booze-chugging shit stains, you'll wish I'd killed you!"

He took a swing with his claymore and the impact from his giant weapon broke Nikki's bed in half.

"Every Nobody for himself!" Demyx shouted before he warped away.

"For once, let's follow Demyx's lead." Axel said.

Nikki and Roxas weighed their options; run away, or stay and get killed by their berserkified superior, before they replied in unison, "Agreed."

As Saïx took a swing at them, Axel and Roxas grabbed Nikki and warped away just as they claymore came down. Instead of hitting them, his weapon hit the floor where they were standing.

"Come back here, you little fuckers!" He roared. "Don't think I won't find you! There's nowhere in this castle that you can hide!"

Saïx started screaming in rage and smashed some more of Nikki's furniture before warping out of the room to go after them. A few seconds later, Zexion warped into the room.

"You guys missed breakfast this morning, so I brought you some…" He trailed off as he noticed the state of Nikki's room, even noticing Momo cowering in the closet with the brunette's cat Hazel. "… waffles…"

As Zexion took some time to evaluate what happened, he heard the sound of smashing echoing off the walls, along with screaming, and his face went flat when he figured it out; which didn't take long.

"Oh no…" He groaned, rubbing his temples. "Demyx opened his big mouth again, didn't he..?"

Even though his inquiry was directed at no one in particular, Momo poked his head out of the closet and nodded.

"I expected as much." Zexion sighed. "All right, then.. Guess I'd better tell Xigbar to get the tranquilizer gun again…"

…

…


End file.
